31 January 2017

Let's Get Real

  In 2015 I mentioned my PPD and anxiety for the first time.
After I had Jade,
physically everything was fine with me and I felt fine.
Until 3 months after her birth.
Then something broke.
Something that over 2 years later I'm still trying to mend all the way.
2016 I got a little more vulnerable about it.
I don't really like to talk about it much,
probably because of the stigma behind it.
It's hard for me to admit that I have a problem that can't be fixed
by "normal means".
I don't like that this is a trial I have to go through.
But since I am going through it,
I'm learning to embrace it and get through things one day at a time.
Lately it has been extremely difficult for me.
I honestly do not know why.
I'm pretty good at spotting my triggers but
everything has thrown me for a loop.
I feel the world spinning and just can't catch my breath,
or suddenly the floor is pulled right out from under me.
Sometimes I'm crying for unknown reasons 
and can't stop til I've sobbed it all out.
Sometimes it's a struggle to get out of bed until I HAVE to change a diaper
(or y'all know what could happen if the diaper doesn't get fixed - yikes).
Often what helps the most is some alone time so I can breathe.
Like nap time is sacred in my house hahaha
I need that time to not be a mom for a bit,
and collect my thoughts,
maybe even eat some lunch too!
If I don't get some alone time,
I know I get crankier and am not the mom/wife I could be.
Andrew has been so wonderful with this for me.
Sometimes naps don't get taken,
(as is life am I right?)
and when he comes home he can see it in my face.
So he'll send me away to another room for at least 20-30 minutes to let me be alone.
Sometimes that's life saving.
I need to get out of the house without my kids. 
This is also crucial.
Or if I'm staying at home,
I need to have adult interaction without child interruptions.
One of the hardest things for me as a mom
is talking to a 4 and 2 year old all day.
Repetition and imploring and disciplining all day wears on the soul.
Adult conversation without interruption feels like a calming balm on my heart some days.
I hate that there is a stigma around these feelings.
I hate feeling ashamed to even express that this is hard for me.
Things that shouldn't necessarily be difficult sometimes just are for me now.
I try not to focus on how I used to be able to handle more,
or think that I'm now broken beyond repair or anything negative.
But it's hard when your anxiety is the loudest voice in your head.
So I write this here not to get pity or make you feel sorry for me,
but to help someone else that may be feeling the same way to know
you're not alone!
This is not something you have to battle silently about,
or feel shame when asking for help!
If you need a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on,
I am here to listen! 
Send me an email, a text or a FB message,
talk to someone that has been there!
There are support groups all over FB or in your communities for this as well.
Above all, I am beyond grateful that there is Someone that has felt everything
I'm feeling and even better,
has overcome it!
In Him I can find my peace as well.
I'm trying to include more personal scripture study in general.
I'm not focusing on any one book,
but more trying to follow my feelings for the answers I need.
  I'm trying to rely on Him more and give up my burdens
to Someone who can handle them for me.
It's so not as easy as it sounds hahaha
but I'm a work in progress
and I think any small victory is worth celebrating.

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