31 January 2017

Let's Get Real

  In 2015 I mentioned my PPD and anxiety for the first time.
After I had Jade,
physically everything was fine with me and I felt fine.
Until 3 months after her birth.
Then something broke.
Something that over 2 years later I'm still trying to mend all the way.
2016 I got a little more vulnerable about it.
I don't really like to talk about it much,
probably because of the stigma behind it.
It's hard for me to admit that I have a problem that can't be fixed
by "normal means".
I don't like that this is a trial I have to go through.
But since I am going through it,
I'm learning to embrace it and get through things one day at a time.
Lately it has been extremely difficult for me.
I honestly do not know why.
I'm pretty good at spotting my triggers but
everything has thrown me for a loop.
I feel the world spinning and just can't catch my breath,
or suddenly the floor is pulled right out from under me.
Sometimes I'm crying for unknown reasons 
and can't stop til I've sobbed it all out.
Sometimes it's a struggle to get out of bed until I HAVE to change a diaper
(or y'all know what could happen if the diaper doesn't get fixed - yikes).
Often what helps the most is some alone time so I can breathe.
Like nap time is sacred in my house hahaha
I need that time to not be a mom for a bit,
and collect my thoughts,
maybe even eat some lunch too!
If I don't get some alone time,
I know I get crankier and am not the mom/wife I could be.
Andrew has been so wonderful with this for me.
Sometimes naps don't get taken,
(as is life am I right?)
and when he comes home he can see it in my face.
So he'll send me away to another room for at least 20-30 minutes to let me be alone.
Sometimes that's life saving.
I need to get out of the house without my kids. 
This is also crucial.
Or if I'm staying at home,
I need to have adult interaction without child interruptions.
One of the hardest things for me as a mom
is talking to a 4 and 2 year old all day.
Repetition and imploring and disciplining all day wears on the soul.
Adult conversation without interruption feels like a calming balm on my heart some days.
I hate that there is a stigma around these feelings.
I hate feeling ashamed to even express that this is hard for me.
Things that shouldn't necessarily be difficult sometimes just are for me now.
I try not to focus on how I used to be able to handle more,
or think that I'm now broken beyond repair or anything negative.
But it's hard when your anxiety is the loudest voice in your head.
So I write this here not to get pity or make you feel sorry for me,
but to help someone else that may be feeling the same way to know
you're not alone!
This is not something you have to battle silently about,
or feel shame when asking for help!
If you need a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on,
I am here to listen! 
Send me an email, a text or a FB message,
talk to someone that has been there!
There are support groups all over FB or in your communities for this as well.
Above all, I am beyond grateful that there is Someone that has felt everything
I'm feeling and even better,
has overcome it!
In Him I can find my peace as well.
I'm trying to include more personal scripture study in general.
I'm not focusing on any one book,
but more trying to follow my feelings for the answers I need.
  I'm trying to rely on Him more and give up my burdens
to Someone who can handle them for me.
It's so not as easy as it sounds hahaha
but I'm a work in progress
and I think any small victory is worth celebrating.

13 January 2017

Our Holiday Recap!

Ok so I know it's January,
but I never got to talk about our holidays hahaha
so here's my catch up!
Andrew and I went to his work party on the 22nd
and we had a blast!!
I love the people he works with so much.
They are a small company and they feel like family.
We got Mickey gloves as a gag gift cuz obviously!!
The girls now enjoy playing with them hahaha 
My sparkly dress is a LulaRoe Elegant Carly.
It also sheds so I'm like a literal unicorn now right!?
Leaving sparkle everywhere I go??

We did sugar cookie decorating at my moms house with my nephew and grandma.
The kids loved it for a whole 20 minutes before asking to go play,
it was awesome!
The girls got some super cute princess hats from  
Unkie and Chelli that made their day!

Christmas Eve was at our house and we watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas
like we do every year.
We did a block nativity with the kids that was hilarious!
They wanted to just play with them it was so funny!

We went to church on Christmas Sunday at my grandparents ward
and then opened presents at my moms house.
Once we got home, we were all so tired we went to bed super early hahaha
I wanted you to see the funny "behind the scenes" of this picture because
a) my 4" heels were sinking into the muddy ground hence my weird stance,
b) Rory was "freezing mommy!!!",
c) Jade just cheesed it up the whole time and tried to play in said mud.

We did a huge family lunch day after Christmas at Islands which is our favorite restaurant,
the sad part is that it's over an hour and a half away from our house now :(
But we enjoyed the food.
In fact, I ate my entire sandwich which I never do but I was STARVING!!

The girls were spoiled rotten this year! 
New jammies, new bedding
(for bunkbeds that are being put together tomorrow!!!!!!!),
new toys, new plush, I mean the works!
They are so loved and they had a great Christmas.
We got spoiled also!
Apparently my family doesn't think Andrew and I date enough cuz we got a bazillion 
gift cards for date nights hahahaha
NOT complaining here at all!

The girls have been loving this Jeep grandparents Mills gave them.
We put it together after Christmas just cuz we had NO room for it then
so now they've been playing outside with it since we put it together.

"What can I say except you're welcome?!" hahaha
(points if you know that reference!)
Also, ignore our obviously dirt only backyard!
Someday we'll have money to put grass back there!

New Years Eve we spent with friends
and a giant fire pit!
Couldn't have picked a better group to celebrate with!
The girls got their first ever sparklers and let's just say,
it was a HUGE hit!
And yes, that's Stacy serenading us in the background 

Day after New Years Daddy was off so we did a family date day to Moana
and then lunch at Red Robin!
(yay gift cards for Christmas hahaha)
After lunch, my parents and I went to Costco because
they had Happy Planners there for a STEAL!
$25 for 2 years worth of planner!
I had to have it!
(and my membership expired so I needed them to get in and pay for it hahaha)

(Totoro plush here, it changes colors people!!)

Thankfully now that the holidays are over,
life is getting back to normal.
We love having all of the busyness of Christmas and such
but I also like being able to breathe
and take days where I don't have to get dressed hahaha

Now onto January!! Yay!

04 January 2017


Who knew this would actually be a year?
I mean remember when we were kids and the year 2000 was a weird thing to say??
Ya know what I'm saying?
I feel slightly old and weird saying 2017 sometimes hahaha
I swear the 90s were just a couple years ago.
It's a new year.
Lets be real,
I think it's awesome to set goals and even better when we achieve them!
Remember last year when I started Isagenix
and I loved it for the month and a half I was able to do it?
(I stopped only because of monetary commitment,
I absolutely LOVED the products and I hope 
to be able to get back on the bandwagon soon!)
Remember when I said I wanted to spend more time on me last year?
While it definitely wasn't as much as proved needed,
it was more than I had before.
So I call it a win.
I know that if I make "New Years Resolutions"
I will not keep them.
I just won't.
I will try to copy what others have said and then when it doesn't work
as well for me as it does for others,
I will get discouraged and give up.
So I'm not going to do that.
I also can't really do a "Word of the Year" thing
cuz I will forget hahaha
Plus I feel like if I commit to only one word,
it will be harder for me to try to find the focus to help myself get better.
It's just not me.
Instead I have just decided to 
focus on myself.
(If you follow me on IG then you've heard my little rant on InstaStories, sorry!)
I am not going to say
"I'm going to lose X amount of weight"
"I'm not eating sugar for the entire year"
or whatever because that doesn't work for me!
I, as a person, have discovered that if I set limits on how proud of myself I can be,
I will fail.
Then feel guilty,
and then the cycle repeats itself again and I'm left in the same ugly spot.
Especially on losing weight.
I'd given up a long time ago thinking that I could ever be a VS model,
I knew I would always be chunkier.
And I was mostly ok with it.
I mean, my body has birthed 2 children,
my hips will never go back to their original state,
I have stretch marks,
my boobs have grown and shrunk so many times
that I'm not even sure they're even!
Maybe hahaha oh well!
 So to the "perfect picture of a woman"
I say PSHAW!
You know what?
I am beautiful to the people that love me the most.
Do I sometimes still wish I looked a certain way?
Absolutely. I'm a human being after all,
but I have decided to stop beating myself up.
How on earth will that make me better?
It won't.
And to all of those women that ARE the "perfect woman" size?
Good for you! 
If you're healthy and happy, power to you!
It's just not me.
 I wrote recently about not giving up everything we are for our kids.
Most everything sure,
but every single aspect of your being should not be driven away,
or forced to hide until you can't find it anymore.
I still firmly believe that.
Why would you want your kids to only know the shell of who you really are?
We went and saw Moana again recently
(go with me on this, it'll be worth it I swear!)
and both times I've seen it
and listening to the soundtrack on repeat
I saw/heard things that I hadn't before.
One of my favorite songs is when Moana is standing on her canoe
trying to decide what to do.
Her grandmother asks her:
"Moana do you know who you are?"
She responds with this:
"Who am I?
I'm a girl that loves my island and a girl who loves the sea.
It calls me.
I am the daughter of the village chief,
we are descended from voyagers
who found their way across the world.
They call me.
I've delivered us to where we are.
I have journeyed farther,
I am everything I've learned and more.
Still it calls me.
And the call isn't out there at all,
its inside me! 
It's like the tide,
always falling and rising.
I will carry you here in my heart,
you remind me
that come what may I know the way.
There is such confidence and power in her voice and words.
It does bring me to tears often haha I won't lie.
I love the whole movie
so if you haven't seen it,
But this song, plus others, just speaks to me about following the "voice inside"
to know who we are.
THAT'S what I want for my year.
I want to be able to hear my inner voice to help me rediscover
who I am.
I am so many things,
but I want to remember who I was before
and bring her back or at least pieces of that person.
(lezzzbe real, the acne and teen angst can stay far away hahaha)
 And hey, if I manage to lose a few pounds 
or learn some new skills along the way,
I know I'll be the better for it!
So bring it on 2017,
let's do this together ;)