06 June 2016

The Battle Within Me

I've mentioned this a few times on here,
but I have had my own battle with depression
and anxiety.
 
Honestly?
Still a battle, sometimes more towards a war with these emotions.
It started after having my second baby.
I'm pretty sure I was slightly depressed during the last trimester of pregnancy
from being in constant pain and agony
to the point where I didn't know I was in labor 
because the pain wasn't anything new.
 
I had an amazing labor and delivery.
No complications,
3 pushes,
epidural, 
all the good stuff to make me comfortable.
 
I felt amazing after expecting to have a recovery like 
Rory's
With the first birth I had to have blood transfusions,
wear the "awesome" pressure socks,
be constantly poked and prodded to make sure the blood was
doing me good instead of harm which I appreciate.
But I was also pressured,
borderline forced into attempting to breastfeed Rory as well 
and I didn't produce ANY milk
so it was just a miserable and painful experience.
 
Thankfully after Jade was born,
NOTHING like that happened
and I thought I was good.
I physically felt better than I had in months,
I had my body back,
I had lost an extra 20 pounds after birthing her
and I could fit into some jeans again which was amazing.
 
About 3 months into Jade's life,
something snapped in me.
I became irritable,
quick to anger, 
depressed to the point of retreating into myself.
I would go on auto pilot to make sure the kids were taken care of.
I just needed to try to get through the day.
I didn't even want to take care of myself anymore.
I didn't know myself anymore.
 
I spiraled into a very dark place.
A place I hope to never return to.
I think this happens to most moms at some point in our motherhood careers,
especially if you're a SAHM with little ones that don't
communicate in the best way. 
I know working moms that have also felt this because they couldn't be at home,
or the guilt of just everything that comes with being a mom can consume you.
 
If I got out of the house to do something,
I immediately felt guilty for leaving my kids.
Something I never thought I'd feel considering 
I would leave Rory with no problem with a sitter.
But with two of them for some reason, 
the guilt was literally crushing me.
 
The depression would get worse,
but I would always say
"But I'm not as bad as so-and-so, I can't ask for help when they don't!"
SOOOO stupid!
I had/have a pride issue.
I don't want to ask for help,
especially when I know there are others that "need it more than I do".
 It's a fatal flaw I have, and I'm working on it.
 
I didn't end up getting the help I needed then,
sometimes I still think I should find a therapist or someone 
to help me work through things,
but again, I get a little voice in my head that says
"But you're problems are less than so-and-so's. 
You don't need to take away their resources to 
help you with what seems like a petty problem."
It's something I'm working on.
 
 
What pulled me out of the dark place was realizing I had a problem,
and I would watch for triggers.
One of my triggers is being stuck at home for too many days.
Or being so busy I can't see straight.
Or feeling like I HAVE to have the house clean every day.
 
It's hard for me to make friends.
Like real, true friends.
I have many people I call friends but making those true blue, 
real deal friends and keeping them is hard for me.
And the depression and anxiety I have developed hasn't helped that at all.
What I can say however, is thankfully I do have true friends that don't judge me,
make me feel worse for feeling the way I do,
or try to fix it.
This isn't something anyone else can fix but me.
And believe me, that's hard enough to digest.
But having people keep trying to fix you,
or give suggestions that you know are meant as loving but really 
just make you more anxious
is just not helpful.
 
Most days NOW I'm completely fine.
But I do have days where I see that dark place coming at me very fast
and sometimes I even get there for a bit.
I think it's part of my particular motherhood journey.
 
I'm a little broken.
I deal with some issues that a lot of people don't have to.
I have not grow up this way at all,
I haven't had these issues my whole life,
this is all new to me.
But I strive to learn from it.
I want to learn how to better channel the emotions that sometimes
spiral out of control.
 
I've learned a lot so far about how I deal with 
stress and such from all of this.
I've had to adapt.
I've had to mend a few things here and there.
I have had to learn how to deal with these emotions while taking care of two little
girls that just want Mommy and my attention 
when I just want to 
curl into a ball and cry my heart out.
 
I've learned to see the beauty in the simple things like:
Jade's cheesy grin,
the way she says "Momom" as my name,
Rory's ever present strong will,
the way she calls for "Mommy" when she wants to show off,
the girls running to throw their arms around me in the mornings
or when I come back from an errand without them.
 
This depression/anxiety thing is a real battle.
And yet, I'm somewhat grateful for the trial.
It's helped me understand others so much better,
understand the importance of boundaries,
the importance of saying "no".
 
Yes, it's still a struggle.
I'm not gonna lie about it,
BUT while the struggle is real,
so are the victories when my depression and anxiety don't come.
When I'm able to push aside that and be who I used to be,
and who I'm striving to become again,
in that I am victorious. 
 

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