14 May 2015

Yourself First


I posted a little about this on Instagram
but I thought it would be good for me
if not for anyone else to write more here.
To really express what's been on my heart.
 
I've written about this before and I really don't mean to be a broken record.
But seeing as this is a real life problem and one that I never thought I'd
have to deal with on my own,
I need to keep it documented.
 
I struggle with putting myself first ever.
As a wife and mother I am constantly giving of myself to my husband and my children.
I am a giver by nature.
I always find joy in serving and find that giving is better than receiving,
and I like to think it's a good attribute to have personally.
However, I never realized just how much I would need to give day after day with no break.
I love my husband and I adore my children.
But I apparently have a limit and my well is not overflowing always.
 
The past few weeks have been extremely difficult.
Rory's getting closer to turning 3 thus becoming a "threenager",
Jade is getting closer and closer to walking and getting more teeth so therefore needs more
cuddles and attention from mom to keep safe.
I've had more sleepless nights in the last week and a half
than I have since having Rory.
(Jade's a good sleeper 99% off the time)
And yes, sleep deprivation hasn't helped me
but the depression had already hit before the sleeplessness.
I had been up all night with Rory throwing up one night,
the next night Jade was up all night just not feeling well,
and as I watched Andrew leave the next night to go to basketball
(they play every Tuesday at the church)
I completely collapsed on the floor in tears because my children had woken up AGAIN
and I just couldn't take it.
(Now, Andrew DID ask if it was ok if he went and I told him yes when I shouldn't have,
he's a great guy - don't think any different)
I cried and cried, took care of the kids, and cried some more.
 
I then talked to my BFF about everything.
I broke down on the phone and everything,
and then I felt bad cuz she lives in Utah and I live in AZ 
so there wasn't really anything she could do,
but all I needed was a listening ear.
She asked me when the last time was that I went somewhere by myself.
I couldn't remember since my trip to visit her.
In March.
 
Needless to say,
I need some Mama alone time.
But whenever I do,
I feel so guilty.
I never feel guilty leaving the girls with Andrew,
cuz he's their dad and he knows how to take care of them.
I feel guilty for needing to NOT be with them.
 
I have always wanted to be a wife and mother.
I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom and housewife.
That was my dream job.
I never had a career I wanted,
or anything in the corporate world I wanted to do.
I wanted to have children and raise them.
So why do I feel this way?
 
via
 
I wish I had the answer.
For now, the answer is to take time to just be Ali.
I had an identity before I became "wife" and "Mom".
I've since lost who I was back then.
I'm not ashamed at all of being a wife and mother,
BUT I feel like if I don't have something that's just for ME,
I won't be able to be the person I should be.
How can I possibly take care of my children and keep the house running 
if I'm stuck in auto pilot all the time?
 
So I'm going to start being better about taking time for me.
It's not going to be easy,
in fact I can guarantee it will be a struggle at first.
To try and find who I used to be again.
To rediscover what makes me happy
and what I like to do.
Here goes nothin folks!