12 January 2015

New year, new me, better days ahead!

So remember how I mentioned reality is a huge
obstacle and I'm having some issues dealing with it?
Yeah Thursday was one of those days when I felt like I was drowning.
There was screaming, tantrums, lack of sleep from the night before,
Aunt Flo showed her ugly face, and by 10 in the morning,
I was ready to give up on motherhood and just sink into bed.
But I couldn't do it.
 
I knew these little monsters girls needed their mama and I HAD to get it together,
so after a nice healthy ugly cry and breakdown,
I pushed through til Andrew made it home.
Then I crashed hard and he took over
and let me just do something I needed/wanted to do.
What was funny was that it actually ended up being cleaning the kitchen.
Like CLEANING the kitchen.
Clorox wipes, scrubbing, sweeping, re-organizing, and just having control over something.
 
I felt like I was drowning.
A swirl of emotions was going through me and I couldn't stop them.
I am usually pretty level headed and this scared me,
that I couldn't control the outpouring of crazy.
I called Andrew at work which I never do,
and just cried at him on the phone and he was very patient,
told me I'd be fine and to just shut myself away for a few minutes.
So I did and had my breakdown.
Later, Rory refused to take a nap.
and ended up falling asleep facedown in her chair with a foot on the ottoman.
Not tired eh?
But it had been a 2 hour struggle.
Now before you say "Maybe she's too old for naps", etc.
She STILL FALLS ASLEEP so clearly she's still tired enough to need naps.
She's just a stubborn toddler.
But dealing with her constantly yelling at me and back talking
just whittled at me.
By the time Andrew got home,
I didn't have energy to feel anything anymore.
I was on auto pilot.
I bathed Jade, fed her, changed her, fed Rory, bathed her, etc.
And just did it.
I felt nothing.
 
Again, it was scary to me.
After a couple hours of that serious cleaning of the kitchen,
I realized I've turned into a slight control freak.
I need control over something.
And I had control over nothing that day.
Yes, I know this is motherhood.
But i honestly had no idea how hard this would turn with two.
I love my littles so much and I'm happy to be with them at home,
and I understand I'm lucky enough to do so.
I also understand how happy they make me,
and how one smile from them can usually make it all better.
There are days that it doesn't,
and that's normal too.
 
So this year for MY resolution,
my biggest one to is get myself more organized.
Cuz I feel that if I have things written down,
planned out,
and in the same place all the time,
creating a habit of being a better organizer,
then the chaos that comes won't effect me nearly as bad.
I'm also planning on doing way more things for myself to find myself again.
I need to find my identity again after 2 kids hahaha
And I won't feel like I'm drowning all the time.
 
So here's to new years,
new goals,
hope and dreams for the year,
and BRING IT ON! ;)

4 comments:

  1. I have had those days but they are long passed now. It is definitely important to take time out for yourself. Maybe you could have one night a week with just your friends or to just sit in your room and read while your husband tends to the girls. It will make you feel refreshed and ready to take on the world. Good luck!

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  2. I was totally there with you this weekend. Es was sick and grouchy and my fibro was at its worst. Then I wrestled es over her medicine and she ended up shooting it up my nose, in her hair, and all over. I burst into tears. We both cried. Then i took her in the shower with me and we apologized to each other over shampooing our hair. Motherhood, at this age, is full of breakdowns and the sweetest makeup sessions. You're a wonderful mama who deserves some good cry time! Better yet, some good you time!

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  3. We all have those days! Just know that you are not alone on this crazy adventure of motherhood!

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  4. Ohhhhh man do I understand that crazy!! After I had my second I went through the normal sadness/crying emotions that you get with postpartum, but then as that subsided, the overwhelmingness and ANGER set in. I was so angry over the tiiiiniest things, and I would shut down over the simplest of things. It was so hard. but I wasn't sad and weepy all the time so I didn't think it was post partum depression,so I just dealt with it. Turns out those are symptoms of both depression and anxiety and I was dealing with both ha. But its getting so much better. If you even suspect it could be that talk to someone because just sucking it up and pushing through it majorly sucks! There are so many good days ahead of you, keep going a page at a time :) You got this!!

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Welcome to our adventure!