22 December 2014

Reality

Life around here has been nuts!
Or at least it feels nuts,
it's been long days filled with demanding kids in differing ways
and late nights trying to squeeze in some one on one time with Andrew.
 
As we added another child to our family,
I've discovered that us having time to ourselves every night is an even bigger deal.
I need time to feel like an adult.
All day I'm dealing with apple juice, formula, diapers,
and all that "fun" stuff that comes with parenting.
My conversations are about
who Mickey is,
"are you poopy or just wet?",
"Mama where you are?",
"Mama Jadey Loodawho is crying again"
etc.
And when Andrew comes home,
it's dinner, baths, and bedtime.
But around 8:30-9 at night we can finally have some adult conversation.
Often it's interrupted by children needing binkis or tucked back into bed,
BUT it's a time we can relax in bed and just chat.
And I NEED that so much or I go insane.
 
I've been struggling with being a full time mom of two.
It's way more demanding than I anticipated.
And with a baby that is colicky
and has some separation anxiety already,
it's really hard for me.
Rory has always been an independent kid and I'm hoping to train Jade
to be one too because Mommy needs her space.
 
I know some moms love having their baby attached to them at all times,
I however do not.
I love her and I enjoy playing with her and such but I CANNOT handle
being at her constant beck and call when she's so clingy.
Luckily she's also really attached to Andrew or I would die.
But even with getting the breaks from constant baby needs,
it's been so hard for me to adjust to dealing with two kids
and having really no adult interaction except occasional park days
where I get lucky if another mom comes,
and my husband.
 
We don't get out as much either because the kids go down earlier
now (which thank goodness!)
But Jade is a complete routine baby
and if she's not in her bed by 7 she is a MONSTER.
So I'm pretty much at home 5 days a week.
With an occasional outing to the grocery store.
I've felt like I've lost part of who I used to be.
I honestly don't even know what I like to do anymore.
I know I still like reading,
and that's about the extent of my knowledge on the subject of
"Ali's recreational activities".
 
Since we got married, I've had this a couple times
but been able to get past it.
This time it has been really really hard to feel like I have a purpose other than being
the diaper changer and baby feeder.
And I'm struggling.
 
I'm not writing this for pity or validation.
I'm writing it as the beginning of a journey into finding out who I am now,
and to help me find my purpose again,
and hopefully get the "help" I need to feel like myself again.
Motherhood is amazing, 
don't get me wrong.
I love my daughters and wouldn't trade them or anything for the world.
They are my pride and joy,
but I need to find some joy in something just for me now.

2 comments:

  1. Girl I was there a year ago and I'm still there now some days. Wanna get together?

    ReplyDelete
  2. All moms feel the same way at least at times. Knowing that motherhood is SO eternally important is what gets me through most days. Also finding time for myself even a few hours a week is important to read, craft, go to the Temple or shop without children. Hang in there and enjoy the moments.

    ReplyDelete

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