But Ali texted me direct and requested a post and so that's what she'll get.
Er, wait no, that's not right.
Look! Healthy stuff! Does this make me a food blogger?
I am so dismally unqualified to talk about parenting. The parenting of humans at least. Like, it still takes me a full 5 minutes to change a diaper and I consistently always lay the diaper down upside down (backwards?) and have to switch it around when I realize the sticky straps don't wrap around back. And you know what, no, I'm also terrible at the parenting of fuzzy creatures too. In the first week of our furbaby's life at home he was A) lost, and B) dropped on his head in the Petsmart. Baby has some jumping legs and wanted out of that shopping cart. I'm still crying about it.
(Disclaimer: "dropped on his head" is not even at all what happened, he did fall out of the cart but luckily landed more on his side/shoulder. We immediately took him to the pet care hospital in the back and they checked him out and everything's fine.)
And not that parenting advice is what's required for the post. It just seems appropriate because Baby Jade is heeeere and I've just been reading the other guest posts and they're all so great and eloquent and beautiful and I'm just here like "google image search! puns!"
And without further ado; words from my brain!
- Mark took me to BevMo for the first time in my life (he's been there before) and it was like an adult candy store of rainbows and glitter even if I could only spend money on one tiny corner of the store. Can you imagine a domino effect of those shelves? Disaster. But I'll tell you what I learned; specialty soda is ex-pen-sive and I don't trust folded cardboard bottle carriers and sugar cane is like the diamond edition of liquids. Platinum? I dunno, really effing good is what I'm trying to say. Even the weird sodas were delicious because they had real sugar cane in them. I also got a ginger ale and you could smell the ginger in it and I felt really fancy.
Notable flavors: Apple Pie soda, the Pineapple Nutmeg concoction was glorious, and the Chocolate soda was n.a.s.t.y but Mark loved it.
- Puppies are exhausting. Which of course I was expecting! I'm not dumb. But it gets to like, 7:30 in the evening and I'm ready for bedtime. I got baby hungry and skipped right to the terrible two's toddler stage. Because I'm a fully functioning and rational adult who thinks through major life choices. I wanted this. I wanted this.
- "The Decoy Bride" is an excellent 3.5 star movie on Netflix. "Timeline" is a horrible 3.5 star movie on Netflix. I learned that this week.
- I did research on the kinds of headaches I've been having for these past few years and the internet says I should get checked for brain tumors and anyeurismeirgms however you spell that. Thanks internet. I won't worry about my brain exploding at every single moment now.
- Sounds are like mini-epiphanies for my furbaby. He's just over 2 months old and every new sound is an important moment to perk up and stare ponderously into the distance, ruminating on the secrets of the universe. And he's terrified by the piano. Which is understandable, it's like a zillion times bigger than he is.
- My phone screen is shattered in the bottom corner and has scary webby veins extending all across the surface. There's nothing incredibly noteworthy about that I'm just saddened by it. It happened while we were racing around the neighborhood desperately searching for our lost puppy and I'm pretty sure my soul collapsed at that moment. Too much stress, man.
- I'm still freaking out about this guest post thing. I'm talking about personal life stuff but Ali gets lots of readers and I'm guessing most of them won't know me so like do you even care??? I'm so sorry.
- Did you know that "the 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottles represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had" says the internet?
- Wait, "once had"? What happened to them? Were they bad pickles? Did they turn to the dark side? Were they power hungry and had to be put down? Why did a ketchup company have a garden of 57 different types of pickles?
- No, that's wrong. You don't grow pickles, you grow cucumbers and turn them into pickles. So what, they just had a Department of Mysterious Pickles with shelves upon shelves of pickles in gently luminescent jars sitting around? Are pickles a prominent ingredient in ketchup? What is my life?
- Let's try another random fact. This one is spurring too much crisis in my brain.
- "Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category" NEW LIFE GOAL ACQUIRED. Awesome home library will be awesome.
- "The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is."
- "The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing their hands in jelly." I will forever be convinced that Sound Creator/Editor in movies and film and stuff is one of the absolute funnest jobs around. And also crucially dependent on vivid imagination. So cheerio, there goes that career idea.
- "The word 'lethologica' describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want," also known as, MY ENTIRE STATE OF BEING. Also good luck remembering that word as it's happening to you.
- "Every year about 98% of the atoms in your body are replaced." Is this sorta like, "the thing I love about rivers is/ you can't step in the same river twice?" Whoa I accidentally made it weird.
- And lastly, "a hydrodaktulpsychicharmonica is a variety of musical glasses." I assume they mean like, a glass harp, where you fill glasses with differing levels of water and rub the rims to make music. But all I'm picturing is a psychic pterodactyl sitting in a pool floaty with a harmonica playing some blues. And he's got sunglasses. Probably aviators. Obvy.
So there you have it. Maybe you learned something new, I sure did. (Whether those things are credible or not is another matter entirely, but lest this come back to haunt me I did not make up any of those facts! Blame google! And my lack of literal fact-checking!)
Many many much congrats to Ali and her beautiful new addition to the Mills' family. I was lucky enough to swing by the hospital (that happens to be less than half a mile away from my office) during my lunch hour and hold the little human burrito but I'm certainly itching for more baby snuggles. Plus I snatched a watermelon Jolly Rancher for mama from our office candy stash. So happy that it all went well and hope you guys get to go home and enjoy your sweet new baby girl soon!