12 October 2012

A bit of a mommy/daughter breakdown

I have to tell you all something that happened on Wednesday on our trip to Flagstaff

So, the Rorester did pretty good for her first road trip.
She was great in the car on the way there,
then at the Observatory she had her first blow out and spit up all over my jacket
which surprised me so much that I kinda froze for a minute hahaha
My mom came with me to the restroom to help me change everything
for poor little Rory who was actually quite adorable during the entire process.
Did I mention she was layered a bunch
and therefore had to strip all the layers off and then add new layers?
It was a bit of an adventure in the observatory
bathroom hahahaha
all the women who came in crooned at her and she was like 
"Yeah I'm super cute, and I knows it"

She was really tired and it was really cold up at the Observatory
so I held her and rocked her and sang to her and she slept for a little bit
at the top of the mountain
(BTW carrying a 17 pound of dead weight UPHILL is super fun
and reminds you how completely out of shape you are hahaha)
And then we went to fill up the gas tank for the ride home
and for mommy to get some Sprite for her tummy
and daddy needed some caffeine for the drive ;)
Then she proceeded to scream bloody murder at me for 10 minutes on the way home,
to the point of tears streaming down MY face cuz she's never done that before either
and I didn't know how to fix it!
But once she realized that I was trying to feed her at least a little bit she calmed down
enough to start just talking and playing around then fell asleep the rest of the way home.
But I'm telling you,
I've never felt so inadequate as a mother in her 3 1/2 months of life as I did 
while she was screaming at me in the car with no way to know what was wrong.
My heart literally broke as I listened to her refuse to be consoled
and tears fell onto her from my face
and she finally looked in my eyes and I know I'm probably slightly crazy
but I think she saw how sad I was and how I was saying
"Honey I don't know what's wrong but you screaming doesn't help me know,
tell me what's wrong, please stop screaming" in a calm but shaky voice from crying
(let me also mention that we had been out of town all day
and I was tired and my period is due like any minute just to help with the crying situation)
I kept pleading with her to stop screaming 
just so I could figure out what was wrong
and when she did finally look at me,
I think she started to calm down when she saw mommy crying almost as hard as she was.
I know I'm probably crazy for thinking that but I honestly do
cuz she hadn't had her eyes open at all during this incident 
but when she did finally open them
she started to calm and would take her bottle
then she was a happy baby and talking to me as I dried my tears
on my shirt and talked back to her saying
"Thank you Rory for telling me what was wrong and helping me fix it.
Mommy loves you very much and doesn't like it when you're sad"
and she just cooed at me in response.
In a way, it was like she had been possessed for that 10 minutes 
then I got my baby back hahaha

Now I need to mention that poor Andrew was miserable listening 
to both of his girls crying in the backseat
and he kept offering to pull over but I was stubborn and said
"No I can handle this I can I can."
I didn't handle it well - hence the tears - but I wanted to try my best to fix it.
Eventually I did,
but Andrew was dying and those 10 minutes felt more like 10 hours
to both of us and he was just trying to focus on getting us home as fast as possible.
He's such a great guy ;)
Once we got home,
she was still sleeping and we changed her diaper
and her outfit and he put her in her crib and she stayed asleep through it all
and didn't wake up til 6:30 in the morning
(then back asleep by 7 after a diaper change and small bottle).

I will tell you that this experience taught me that
I will never be that perfect mom they show on TV that
smiles through everything and such.
I will have breakdowns every now and then
AND THAT'S OK.
I'm imperfect and proud of it ;)

Also, can we please love this meme
my brother made or Rory?

 
Sigcopy


2 comments:

  1. You are an extremely sweet and sensitive momma!

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  2. Oh lovely...I'm sorry to hear about your experience! I bet it made you feel inadequate..but seriously DON"T feel like that! You seem like such a great mama just from the little I Know about you!


    amanda @ we and serendipity

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Welcome to our adventure!