16 December 2008

Letting it all out there

My heart is hurting a lot as I write this. I just can't figure out what to do socially. I want to go out with people and have fun, but I'm terrified that if I do, I'll use all of my unused feelings of affection on someone else and then either lead him on or trick myself into loving someone else I don't truly love.

But then again, it's been over a month since I've heard from Andrew so I don't know what to think or feel anymore. There are times where I feel so far away from him, my friends, myself and I don't even know where to start. My heart is throbbing with pain and confusion during these last 6 months since he's been gone. And not all of this has to do with him I think, I just don't know what to do. I miss my friends, Andrew, and knowing myself inside and out. I feel so alone, except for the Lord's help but truly I wish I had more people I could actually confide in without feeling like a burden or like they really don't care. I'd rather have no friends than those who try to say that they understand because really no one does. I just need some people that can just like me for me and not try to understand what I'm going through, but that will listen if I need to talk or vent.

And yes I'm fiercely jealous of just about all young, married couples because that's happiness I can't/don't have right now. And it kills me when it's taken advantage of. I so want to be a wife and mother that having to wait is almost torture. Now don't get ideas like I just want to go out and get married and have kids with whomever. I just want my "happily ever after" and sometimes it just hurts to hear about other people getting theirs.

I know this is different from my normal blogging and I'm sorry but I really needed to get this off my chest.

3 comments:

  1. oh ali i know how it is sometimes you just want to cry.... i find myself wanting to. i thik i said that already haha

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  2. Ali, I totally understand how you feel. And I will always be here to listen if you need to talk or vent. :) Hang in there, girl. It will all work out in the end. :) *HUG*

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